This is a play rattling around in my head dealing with an over exaggeration of something called "The God Tax". It's a theoretical discussion by Democratic leaders attempting to do what Democrats are reviled most for: taxes. It's also not meant to be real. It's just a figment of my own imagination. However, if something similar to this happens in the future I reserve all rights to the phrase: "See? I told you so!"
Setting:
Outside Ted Kennedy's mansion four black limos pull up and four suited figures, two men and two women (well one and a half women) arrive. They walk to the front door and are greeted by Ted who appears to have just gotten home himself as he has only just loosened his tie and, as the norm, a fresh scotch in his hand.
This post is also available at Blogger News Network.
This post is also available at The Wide Awakes.
The figures, Hillary Clinton, John F. Kerry, Howard Dean and Barbara Boxer converse amongst each other jokingly as they walk towards the double doors. Ted beckons them inside, sloshing his drink on the marble floor. The politicians come in single file and Barbara slips on the newly formed wet spot on the floor. Ted, being remarkably quick, catches her by the butt with his free hand before any real harm is done. She looks at Teddy at first in shock and then to a bashful smile as his hand has yet to move from her backside. She politely removes his hand and they all continue on through the entryway.
Ted: Thank you all for coming. We'll have to move into the meeting room to continue our previous conversation. I had to hire some new help and don't really trust her yet.
Hillary: New help? What happened to Monica? Bill gave her rave reviews when she was in intern. It was rather unfortunate about those nasty lies that were spread about Bill. Did she just not work out?
Ted: She had a strange fear of cigars and had to leave. I just don't get it. Oh, well. Anyway, lets get moving.
[They stroll down the hall to a room with a heavy cherry wood door and continue through. They arrange themselves in silence around a round wooden table and sit back in their blush chairs. Ted has already finished his scotch and is fishing in the bar for some ice and more of the brown stuff.]
Ted: would anybody like anything while I'm over here?
John: Jack and Coke
Hillary: Tequila sunrise
Howard: Just a beer
Barbara: Could I get a Shirley Temple?
Ted: No Barb you may not. If you're going to play with the big dogs you need to learn how to drink a real drink. I'll get you a beer.
Ted: John, what was that again?
John: Rum and Coke
Ted: Wait, wasn't that a Jack and Coke before? Are you changing your mind on me?
John: Originally, I voted FOR Jack, but I didn't like the way the bottle looked so I then voted against it.
Ted: Just shut up John. You're getting a beer too. Hey Hill' we're out of Tequila. Remember you polished off the bottle last week? You want a scotch instead?
Hillary: Sure Ted, whatever's wet.
[The speaker box similar to the Charlie’s Angels one in the middle of the table lights up and a familiar voice comes on.]
George Sorros: Well, now that everyone's here and settled in lets get this little meeting started.
All: Hi Georgie!
George: I have a difficult task that I need you to get rolling on the Senate floor. I shouldn’t need to remind you about the contributions that have been made to your party, the new Democratic president and changing of the guard in the house and senate, but I feel it may stress the importance of the task at hand. Without these donations we would still be stuck under the iron rule of Republicans. Today the tables are turned and we have control.
George: The task I need you to push through the floor is a tax on God. I know this may sound a bit radical, but the constitution only mentions separating church and state, not taxing it. The word makes my associates a tad uncomfortable and would like a reduced usage on the word. We can’t ban God outright, but we can sure get it removed from texts and what can’t be removed can be heavily taxed. We can spin it by saying that it’s best to enact a “better separation”.
George: Tell the people that Christianity is an oppressive religion by nature, just like Islam. Compare the crusades to jihad and remind people how many people have been killed over religion. Just keep pushing it. The people are suckers for this stuff.
So, what can I bring back to the assisting parties from this to ease their troubled minds? They want results on this one. That whole universal health care shenanigan really torqued them off.
Barbara: The pledge will have to be changed immediately. Since we can’t tax the state we can’t say the “G” word in the pledge. I got an idea! We could replace the “G” word with Democracy so we get better name placement.
Ted: That’s an idea Barb. What else do we have? Howard, what’s on your mind?
Howard: This is our opportunity to change the way we do our time. We can get rid of Before Christ and After Death and replace it with the more atheist-friendly terms, Like Before…umm…Before…AH! Before Common Era! The other would change to just plain Common Era too.
Hillary: The idea of getting rid of the Christ stuff in time is good, but could you work on the new titles? They sound so stupid. You’ll have to work on it.
Hillary: Alright, I’ve got a doozey here. Since all of the paper money has “in ‘he who must not be named’ we trust” on it we could tax all hard American currency. Not only would we be able to collect an immense amount of tax money, but also we could push the initiatives to either go to a plastic society or to take the Euro as our own currency. The Euro doesn’t have that nasty “G” word on it. I’m sure many of our overseas associates would find that most pleasing. It will help us out as well. Since we raised taxes back to normal levels the U.S. dollar has spiraled out of control as well. It would give us an opportunity to save our own butts.
George: That’s the best idea I’ve heard yet. Sometimes I wish we’d have been able to push you through. It’s too bad that Blogs against Hillary was such an influential force. You are the real brains of the DNC. Speaking of brains, John, I guess it’s your turn.
John: We can get the bible and all Christian materials removed from the federal libraries because there would be a tax on that word.
Ted: What about all of the other religious books John? Did you ever think of that?
John: Oh, yeah, I forgot. The Muslims would probably pull their funding wouldn’t they? They might even start attacking again!
John: Okay, how about a loophole? We could make it only on the word Go..er..the “G” word so they could keep the Koran and Scientology. We wouldn’t need to mess with the Torah either, since it’s in a different language. So howzat? Eh?
George: Not bad John. It’s good to see you finally say something decisive for a change. Keep it up and you may get a cabinet post, or your medals back. Say, did you ever sign that DD-180 form?
Ted: Okay, here’s my two cents on it.
[Ted gets up to grab his third scotch.]
Ted: We can now get our little fingers on all of those church donations as well as having a tax on the church itself. We could tax them out of existence. They would need a tax for every bible, every reference book, even many of their names would garner more taxes. We could shut em’ down for good.
Ted: Of course, I’m pretty sure that we’ll get some blowback from the Pope on this one. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to start a crusade against the U.S. It’s just what we need to get the president reelected. We could spin it like a crusade is just another jihad, only with Christians. Throw up all the numbers for those killed in the crusades and it’s smooth sailing for our man in the White House. After Social Security went under the only way we can get him re-elected is to “wag the dog”.
Soros: Okay guys. I believe that’s all they’ll need to hear. The arms dealers will have a field day selling weapons to people all over the place. Everyone will be happy. Just make sure this gets pushed through. Do that nuclear option thing against a filibuster if you have to, just as long as this gets through. I have to go now guys. I have an interview on Fox’s new Air America program.
[END SCENE]